True Confessions

Today I did something I'm not particularly proud of:

I went to the medicine cabinet, where I still have half a bottle of Cymbalta, I cracked open a pill, and took about 1/3 of it (which is about 6.8 mg-I know, nothing really). Why? Well, I think we all know why. That is, I am seriously leaning toward going back on spawn of satan anti-depressants. I hate having to be on them. I hate the notion of them. I hate dealing with doctors and insurance to get them. But I think, right now, I might just need them.

iblisqq

My husband and I finally had THE TALK, after a wonderful week away with the kids, and then an overnight jaunt to a friend's wedding alone together. I think that it was the most serious talk that we've ever had. He was very kind, and didn't tell me to go back on my medicine. He just asked me if I really thought I would be able to stay off of it. He's a brutally realistic person and said it to me like this: I've been on medication for so long, and now I'm suddenly off of it, but I've decided to come off of it at a time where my children are still very young and demanding, where I have a business I run by myself, where I have an ex-husband whose antics I'm still dealing with, and where I have a husband who is around for two hours in the morning and that's it-in other words, not such a good time.

Now, my initial response when I think of this is the same eyeroll I produce when I hear couple's tell me that they're waiting for "the right time" to have a baby. I want to smack these people and tell them the perfect time to have a baby is when you're not planning on having a baby-that the "perfect" time will never really exist and you just deal with the situation when it's given to you. In other words, I know that there will probably never be a perfect time for me to go off of antidepressants. Life is always going to be life-you don't know what could happen next. I can't tell you how many friends I have who waited for the  "perfect" time to have a baby, and then their husbands suddenly lost their jobs when they were 8 months pregnant. It's like that.

However, I do think that life is going to get a little bit easier when the kids get older, my husband is home a bit more, and my ex husband is dead (oops. did I really say that?)

I've done a lot of soul searching during the past 5 months that I've been coming off of my meds, and one bottom line is my issues with my mother. Of course, I've always known about these issues but now I have really gone within myself. The bottom line is that her behavior when I was little (and still through today) really, really affected me and influenced so much of who I am today. I do not want that to happen to my children. I hold their childhood in my hands and at times I have been acting just like my mother. It's killing me. I HATE the notion that I have to take medication to be a good mom, and yes, that's how I feel. But I adore them and want them to have the world. If they're prone, genetically, toward depression, then having a depressive mother isn't going to help them.

As for my son, he has a depressive mom and a sociopath dad, so I really, really, really owe it to that kid to do my damn best to make sure he turns out okay, because genetically he's kind of f*cked.

And I'm doing this for my husband, who has been nothing but amazingly gentle, tolerant and supportive. He works a billion hours a week for us. He never asks for anything, never complains. He's not a saint but he's my favorite person-and I owe it to him to be his.

I should write that if I choose to go back on my antidepressants, that it would be for me too...but I really don't feel that way. If it were about me I would be able to take all of the time it takes to constantly be doing yoga, running, and meditating. It ceased to be about me when I had children.

Someday it WILL be about me, though. I have a plan:

I still love folic acid. I still feel that it has done wonders for me and I would never even have gotten this far without it. I know it helps my son, and I'll keep having him take it as well.

I am going to go on the least amount of medication possible-even less than the doctor thinks, because I really know myself and I think that we're so over-prescribed. I also think that I'd need so much less because I DO have the additional tools of folic acid, yoga, and meditation.

I am NOT going back on Cymbalta- I just took that today because it's what I had. I am going to research what my doctor recommends: it's side effects, what it's like to come off of them. From what I read about Cymbalta, it's like the heroin of the antidepressant world (that and Effexor) when it comes to withdrawals. I never want the brain shocks I had ever again.

I'm going to continue to lay off the booze and the coffee- both anxiety and depression kickers (as all of those therapists said...hate it when they're right). I'm not saying I'm abstaining but everything in moderation (or even less than that), right?
       *funny thing: my husband said that he is going to stop drinking for a bit as well. This is going to be so strange...I never in a million years thought he would ever say that. He is a die-hard micro-brew beer drinker and while he's no alcoholic, he definitely loves his drinks :)

I am going to continue the meditation and yoga (the book Yoga for Depression is in the mail to me as we speak). They have helped me tremendously.

I really know that all fo this stuff works- but you have to work at it and keep it up. My life just doesn't allow for all that it requires right now, and I don't have the flexibility to change my life to accomodate it. People say "you need to take time for yourself" also need to be slapped because if I COULD, I WOULD. I'm not a masochist, here.

So, I haven't called the doctor yet, but I'm sharing my thoughts, and it feels good to just do that. We're just a couple of weeks past the holidays, and in reality, for me, it's the first day since them (because of our vacation, and all) maybe I'm just fresh off of my discussion with my husband, or was paranoid about getting back to "reality" this morning. I don't know. But I'll keep you posted.