And we're back to Niacin. Why? Well, I've looked at my pageviews and this seems to be something that many of you are interested in. So let's pursue.
But I need your help!!!
I have heard from many of you who say that you have taken Niacin and that it has been wonderful for you. As I've mentioned before, I haven't had such luck in my own experience, and all I can wonder is that I'm maybe doing it wrong. So I want to hear from you again (that is: any and all of you who have had success with Niacin for depression). I need to hear the nitty gritty: 1.your background: what kind of mental disorder are you working with? How long have you had it? What other treatments have you tried? 2. your stats: height, weight, age 3. what kind of niacin do you take: niacinmide, inositol hexanicotinate, etc. there are a few different kinds 4. how often do you take it and how much? do you eat it with food? when, during the day, do you take it? 5. how do you feel after you take the niacin/its effects
I want to write a blog about you- or, I might ask some of you to do a guest blog on this topic for me. It'll all be kept anonymous, of course. I promise you that. Sure, this blog is about my experiences, but I now know that my experience is also your experience, and above all else it's about education and self-help. Help me to help more people.
The comment section is great, but I'd like it if you could email me at manictomindful@yahoo.com so I can respond to you and ask more questions.
Thanks, all. Have a wonderful, blessed day. NAMASTE
Embarking
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Goodbye Gluten, Week 1
I thought I'd do a weekly update on this gluten thing...because so far it's worth mentioning.
It's been about a week now. Somewhat easier than I expected, but also very difficult as I come to realize just how often I make the kids fish sticks, chicken nuggets/tenders, mac&cheese or spaghetti (or some form thereof) for dinner-and you can't eat that if you're gluten free. Last night everyone had corn bread with our ham soup...and I couldn't eat it *sob* (okay: complete honesty-I had a tiny piece. And it was delicious).
But here is what I've noticed: I AM NOT AS TIRED AS I USUALLY AM!!!! If you've been reading this blog, you know that this is one of my number one complaints. People with depression tend to sleep a lot-nod your head in agreement. But I hate being tired! I have much too much to do to always be exhausted. On a typical day, by 2:30 I am completely spent. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so tired by this time that I'm actually nauseous. I would power through it with some tea until my oldest two came home and I could go take a nap (why, yes, I put my eight year old going on forty in charge. I'm thinking of asking him to do our taxes this year). Desperate moms do desperate things.
Not this week. I've not exactly been energized but I HAVE been able to stay awake. Am I nicer and more patient? Um, no. But I'll take what I can get.
Actually, something happened today that made me a true believer-and I think even a believer of my husband, who chalked my "energy" up to being psychosomatic. For lunch I made a plate of vegetarian nachos (I'm struggling with lunchtime here-which, incidentally, used to be a pasta of some sort. Didn't realize that until this week). I used tortilla chips, black bean and corn salsa, plain yogurt, and shredded cheese. About a half an hour after eating, I felt like complete and utter CRAP. Again, could barely keep my eyes open. My heart was racing, and I was just not in good shape. After a lie-down, I went to read the labels and google some ingredients and lo and behold there is gluten in prepackaged shredded cheese: the rennett, which is used to prevent caking and mold, contains gluten. I guess the person who wrote the article where I read that "having a gluten sensitivity means that you must be completely gluten free-not just cut back on gluten," wasn't kidding. I can't find the exact article but I found it on the website mindbodygreen.com, which is an awesome website in general so check it out. After I told this to my husband he became adamant that I go get tested for Celiac, (note: Mr. Chef has been suggesting for awhile that maybe I'm lactose intolerant, which I could never believe, so I guess Celiac might be a feasible second guess). As much as I hate doctors I guess I'm due for a physical anyway so I'll make an appointment tomorrow.
I'll be sure to keep you posted. I am terribly relieved, though, that such things as potatoes and corn products are still okay (though stay away from processed foods), and Trader Joe's sells a bread by Udi's that is DELICIOUS-gluten or not. This means I can still have sandwiches! Also interesting to note: I have been craving sweets lately, which I never, ever do. My mom pretty much OD'ed my siblings and I on sweets when we were kids (Nerds cereal! Coke! Whatever you want!). It's a miracle that we are neither obese nor diabetic, but note that not one of the four of us eats sweets. But in the past week, I suddenly have. So I guess my body's asking for sugar in some form. I guess if I must then I must..
It's been about a week now. Somewhat easier than I expected, but also very difficult as I come to realize just how often I make the kids fish sticks, chicken nuggets/tenders, mac&cheese or spaghetti (or some form thereof) for dinner-and you can't eat that if you're gluten free. Last night everyone had corn bread with our ham soup...and I couldn't eat it *sob* (okay: complete honesty-I had a tiny piece. And it was delicious).
But here is what I've noticed: I AM NOT AS TIRED AS I USUALLY AM!!!! If you've been reading this blog, you know that this is one of my number one complaints. People with depression tend to sleep a lot-nod your head in agreement. But I hate being tired! I have much too much to do to always be exhausted. On a typical day, by 2:30 I am completely spent. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so tired by this time that I'm actually nauseous. I would power through it with some tea until my oldest two came home and I could go take a nap (why, yes, I put my eight year old going on forty in charge. I'm thinking of asking him to do our taxes this year). Desperate moms do desperate things.
Not this week. I've not exactly been energized but I HAVE been able to stay awake. Am I nicer and more patient? Um, no. But I'll take what I can get.
Actually, something happened today that made me a true believer-and I think even a believer of my husband, who chalked my "energy" up to being psychosomatic. For lunch I made a plate of vegetarian nachos (I'm struggling with lunchtime here-which, incidentally, used to be a pasta of some sort. Didn't realize that until this week). I used tortilla chips, black bean and corn salsa, plain yogurt, and shredded cheese. About a half an hour after eating, I felt like complete and utter CRAP. Again, could barely keep my eyes open. My heart was racing, and I was just not in good shape. After a lie-down, I went to read the labels and google some ingredients and lo and behold there is gluten in prepackaged shredded cheese: the rennett, which is used to prevent caking and mold, contains gluten. I guess the person who wrote the article where I read that "having a gluten sensitivity means that you must be completely gluten free-not just cut back on gluten," wasn't kidding. I can't find the exact article but I found it on the website mindbodygreen.com, which is an awesome website in general so check it out. After I told this to my husband he became adamant that I go get tested for Celiac, (note: Mr. Chef has been suggesting for awhile that maybe I'm lactose intolerant, which I could never believe, so I guess Celiac might be a feasible second guess). As much as I hate doctors I guess I'm due for a physical anyway so I'll make an appointment tomorrow.
I'll be sure to keep you posted. I am terribly relieved, though, that such things as potatoes and corn products are still okay (though stay away from processed foods), and Trader Joe's sells a bread by Udi's that is DELICIOUS-gluten or not. This means I can still have sandwiches! Also interesting to note: I have been craving sweets lately, which I never, ever do. My mom pretty much OD'ed my siblings and I on sweets when we were kids (Nerds cereal! Coke! Whatever you want!). It's a miracle that we are neither obese nor diabetic, but note that not one of the four of us eats sweets. But in the past week, I suddenly have. So I guess my body's asking for sugar in some form. I guess if I must then I must..
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Goodbye, Gluten
As you might have noticed from some of my most recent posts, I've been in kind of a shitty place lately. Kind of as in totally. I am in a totally shitty place, mentally and physically. Thanks to the mash up of mindfulness, meditation and talk therapy with one of my best girlfriends, I know what it is. I know that the Holidays, while pretty good, threw me off. Then a vacation threw us off even more. Then the flu. Then the kids getting sick. Plus there's an ongoing issue of my husband looking for a new job, because his current work schedule (and all of the stress associated with said job) is breaking both of us. He has told me that when his contract is up for renewal in July he's going to decline. We're looking at moving, which I'm actually okay with, but it's the unknowing that has me in a panic.
So, shit's going down and I'm in a pretty big slump. I am exhausted. So very exhausted that I barely make it out of bed every day. I generally don't even get into the shower. I take naps all of the time, and then I'm so thankful when 9 o'clock bedtime rolls around. My house is a mess, work has been neglected, I've been snappy (or worse) with the kids. Yesterday I did yoga again for the first time in a very long time. I've begun meditating again, but only this week, and frankly, I've fallen asleep almost every time.
Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
Yes, I know about these slumps. In fact, I saw it coming while I was riding a euphoric "high time" wave, where I felt pretty good and was mentally just very happy. I knew that it wouldn't last, since it never does. I knew the fall would be coming soon. But that's my cross to bear- especially since I don't take medication (but let's be honest- the medication never prevented the highs and lows so there really isn't that much difference). All I can do is learn to carry my cross as well as I can, and to take care. You've seen my efforts with this blog: to find out for myself what works and what does not. Emphatically, what makes my life more bearable and what does not. What, when I do hit the slumps, are the easiest things I can do when I DO feel shitty and completely unable to do pretty much anything, CAN I do? The out and out easiest things I've found are drinking the various yogi teas for mood (kava for anxiety, "postitive energy" for, um, energy- fabulous stuff), meditate (even if I fall asleep), take my vitamins and supplements, read an inspirational/self help book (current: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach: HIGHLY recommend), and eat well.
Which brings me to gluten.
I've no doubt that every one of you have read about the evils of gluten, or, at the very least, the possible way that it is affecting our health. Is it merely a health craze? I don't know. I used to roll my eyes at people who told me they had a gluten sensitivity. I was like "REALLY? You have got to be fucking kidding me." But lately I've had some "hold up!" moments that make me re-think this whole gluten thing. Basically, I've begun to notice that when I eat cereal in the morning, I feel like shit. Like, lethargic, almost ill. I need to go take a nap and I sometimes get shaky. My stomach feels blah. Looking back, this has pretty much always happened, but it seems that only now am I taking notice. Then there's the matter of bagels and sandwiches- same thing. I eat them and I feel terrible. I used to think that maybe just eating made me sleepy. That this was a natural thing. However, as I've started to steer clear of breads and cereals, I have noticed I'm a little less "blah".
I think Ive just been in denial. Like when you know you're drinking too much on a regular basis, but you don't stop. Like when you know what coffee makes you jittery but you tell yourself you love the smell and ritual of morning coffee too much. Like when you know you can't eat just one scoop of ice cream but tell yourself "you deserve it" and end up polishing off the whole carton.
I know that I have a reaction to breads, etc. But it's so ingrained in my life-especially my life with small children (c'mon. who can make mac n cheese without wanting a bowl? I pretty much grew up on mac n cheese!) I started reading the book Wheat Belly by William Davis, MD, and I almost immediately put it down. 1. it freaked me out 2. it seemed to be telling me that I couldn't eat anything and 3. I didn't want to give up my pasta habit.
I am at a point in this slump, though, where I am SO unbearably tired that it's time to face facts- or just time to start a new "moi as a guinea pig in the name of mental health" experiment. I haven't done one since Niacin (results: unconclusive. Many of you, my dear readers, have contacted me via email praising niacin and how it makes you feel. So encourage people to try it. But for me, it's a no-go.) So now's the time to try something new.
Fact: gluten sensitivity (we're not talking Celiac, but just a sensitivity. Here's a website that explains the difference: http://www.celiac.com/articles/23091/1/Celiac-Disease-vs-Gluten-Sensitivity-or-Gluten-Intolerance/Page1.html) causes fatigue, neurological problems, and gastrointestinal complaints. If you go to your doctor and get negative results for Celiac disease, then you can still have a gluten sensitivity. The best way to see if this is the case is an elimination diet- where you eliminate all foods that contain gluten. According to About.com, some researchers say that gluten sensitivity and gluten allergies do exist, but "the conditions existence has not been proven definitively" and "many physicians don't yet agree that it's a real medical condition." (the article: http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/glutenintolerance/a/Gluten-Intolerance-Gluten-Sensitivity.htm). Well, that doesn't put me off at all and here's why: one of my best friends is a medical doctor and guess what? She's never heard of non-anemic iron deficiency, which is something both of my daughters actually have-and it actually exists (nor had my daughter's doctors, actually, until their blood work came up weird and they researched it. Fuckers). She's also never heard that B vitamin deficiency can cause depression, and THAT's a real thing too. My own doctor's failed to diagnose my for Lyme's disease when I was in my teens because I had a particular type of the disease that required a different test. (to name a few examples) As humans evolve and our food sources change, so will the need for the medical community to keep up with it. Maybe we shouldn't all go out just freely diagnosing ourselves, but being educated and informed-and being your own advocate- is important as well.
So here I stand. Day one of eliminating gluten. I'll check in often and give details on how I'm going about it in future posts. This one is just my intro.
Comments are always appreciated-and if you want to be "non public" about it, the email is manictomindful@yahoo.com
Here's to our health!
So, shit's going down and I'm in a pretty big slump. I am exhausted. So very exhausted that I barely make it out of bed every day. I generally don't even get into the shower. I take naps all of the time, and then I'm so thankful when 9 o'clock bedtime rolls around. My house is a mess, work has been neglected, I've been snappy (or worse) with the kids. Yesterday I did yoga again for the first time in a very long time. I've begun meditating again, but only this week, and frankly, I've fallen asleep almost every time.
Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
Yes, I know about these slumps. In fact, I saw it coming while I was riding a euphoric "high time" wave, where I felt pretty good and was mentally just very happy. I knew that it wouldn't last, since it never does. I knew the fall would be coming soon. But that's my cross to bear- especially since I don't take medication (but let's be honest- the medication never prevented the highs and lows so there really isn't that much difference). All I can do is learn to carry my cross as well as I can, and to take care. You've seen my efforts with this blog: to find out for myself what works and what does not. Emphatically, what makes my life more bearable and what does not. What, when I do hit the slumps, are the easiest things I can do when I DO feel shitty and completely unable to do pretty much anything, CAN I do? The out and out easiest things I've found are drinking the various yogi teas for mood (kava for anxiety, "postitive energy" for, um, energy- fabulous stuff), meditate (even if I fall asleep), take my vitamins and supplements, read an inspirational/self help book (current: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach: HIGHLY recommend), and eat well.
Which brings me to gluten.
I've no doubt that every one of you have read about the evils of gluten, or, at the very least, the possible way that it is affecting our health. Is it merely a health craze? I don't know. I used to roll my eyes at people who told me they had a gluten sensitivity. I was like "REALLY? You have got to be fucking kidding me." But lately I've had some "hold up!" moments that make me re-think this whole gluten thing. Basically, I've begun to notice that when I eat cereal in the morning, I feel like shit. Like, lethargic, almost ill. I need to go take a nap and I sometimes get shaky. My stomach feels blah. Looking back, this has pretty much always happened, but it seems that only now am I taking notice. Then there's the matter of bagels and sandwiches- same thing. I eat them and I feel terrible. I used to think that maybe just eating made me sleepy. That this was a natural thing. However, as I've started to steer clear of breads and cereals, I have noticed I'm a little less "blah".
I think Ive just been in denial. Like when you know you're drinking too much on a regular basis, but you don't stop. Like when you know what coffee makes you jittery but you tell yourself you love the smell and ritual of morning coffee too much. Like when you know you can't eat just one scoop of ice cream but tell yourself "you deserve it" and end up polishing off the whole carton.
I know that I have a reaction to breads, etc. But it's so ingrained in my life-especially my life with small children (c'mon. who can make mac n cheese without wanting a bowl? I pretty much grew up on mac n cheese!) I started reading the book Wheat Belly by William Davis, MD, and I almost immediately put it down. 1. it freaked me out 2. it seemed to be telling me that I couldn't eat anything and 3. I didn't want to give up my pasta habit.
I am at a point in this slump, though, where I am SO unbearably tired that it's time to face facts- or just time to start a new "moi as a guinea pig in the name of mental health" experiment. I haven't done one since Niacin (results: unconclusive. Many of you, my dear readers, have contacted me via email praising niacin and how it makes you feel. So encourage people to try it. But for me, it's a no-go.) So now's the time to try something new.
Fact: gluten sensitivity (we're not talking Celiac, but just a sensitivity. Here's a website that explains the difference: http://www.celiac.com/articles/23091/1/Celiac-Disease-vs-Gluten-Sensitivity-or-Gluten-Intolerance/Page1.html) causes fatigue, neurological problems, and gastrointestinal complaints. If you go to your doctor and get negative results for Celiac disease, then you can still have a gluten sensitivity. The best way to see if this is the case is an elimination diet- where you eliminate all foods that contain gluten. According to About.com, some researchers say that gluten sensitivity and gluten allergies do exist, but "the conditions existence has not been proven definitively" and "many physicians don't yet agree that it's a real medical condition." (the article: http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/glutenintolerance/a/Gluten-Intolerance-Gluten-Sensitivity.htm). Well, that doesn't put me off at all and here's why: one of my best friends is a medical doctor and guess what? She's never heard of non-anemic iron deficiency, which is something both of my daughters actually have-and it actually exists (nor had my daughter's doctors, actually, until their blood work came up weird and they researched it. Fuckers). She's also never heard that B vitamin deficiency can cause depression, and THAT's a real thing too. My own doctor's failed to diagnose my for Lyme's disease when I was in my teens because I had a particular type of the disease that required a different test. (to name a few examples) As humans evolve and our food sources change, so will the need for the medical community to keep up with it. Maybe we shouldn't all go out just freely diagnosing ourselves, but being educated and informed-and being your own advocate- is important as well.
So here I stand. Day one of eliminating gluten. I'll check in often and give details on how I'm going about it in future posts. This one is just my intro.
Comments are always appreciated-and if you want to be "non public" about it, the email is manictomindful@yahoo.com
Here's to our health!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Motherhood. Should I have had kids?
I don't know what's wrong with me (okay, that's a lie. Most likely PMS) but I have been so irritable and just so pissed off lately that I am ready to lose it at any second. My husband is not around much so the kids get stuck with me-and me with them. And I am ready to fucking rip their heads off. Am I doing something wrong here? I use my nice voice, my mommy voice, and ask things to be done. I give them a second chance. Then a third. I "count them down"- ("that's one. If we get to three then you get xxx taken away/you have to go to your room") but I am just a broken record, a record lying in the middle of a house that consists of piles of toys, paper, markers, half eaten food- just SHIT-and it's times like these that I hate and detest motherhood.
Is it just me as a bipolar/depressive/whatever that gets like this or is it all moms?
I genuinely hate the people who post such shit on facebook like the little signs that say "hit "like" if your daughter is your best friend!" I'm more of a "my kids make me want to put pins in my eyes" kind of person.
The joke is that people say to me (ALL of the time) "you're so good with kids! You should be a teacher!"
HA HA HA HA HA.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not always like this. Many times I adore them and I realize that they really have made my life better (I would most likely never, ever get out of bed some days if I didn't have them to make me get out of it). Like I said, I'm just so irritable right now and these little people aren't helping.
Am I the only one who gets so, SO mad that she screams and throws things? I just want to be listened to! I get sick of picking up after little people who are certainly old enough to pick up stuff on their own. I get sick of repeating myself. Of constantly being tired. Of not having enough time/money/energy (because of them) to do things like take a yoga class or see a movie with a girlfriend. Of being worried about being a good enough mom but then getting angry when I think I'm being too nice to the point that they walk all over me.
We all recognize that parenting/motherhood is incredibly difficult. Is it more difficult if you're a depressive? Or a pessimist? Or a person with anxiety? Or is that just all of us?
I'll admit it. I'm a person who thinks that if people have certain genetic traits that cause them to be burdens on society, then they shouldn't be having children. But lately I've begun to wonder if I should have had children, knowing about my own mental disorders (hmmm- however, I'm not so bad that I've ever had to be on welfare or anything). SHOULD A DEPRESSIVE HAVE KIDS, knowing that they might be a subpar parent, and also knowing that their kids, then, could turn out the exact same way? I think about this all of the time- especially when I see my 5 year old get that look of anxiety in her eyes, or when my son tells me he's depressed. And I went ahead and had three of them. Oops!
My own mother is a depressive and I have always resented her for it (or do I resent that she never did anything about it?). She made our childhoods very difficult-and, in fact, she often continues to make our lives difficult, and it's because of her ongoing depression. My mom's mother (my grandmother) is a depressive, and my mom has always clearly resented her for it. All of my siblings and cousins hate my grandmother as well. She's miserable, and always has been in my recollection.
And so it goes.
I see all of this and it terrifies me. So I try to help myself as much as possible, and I also (admittedly) over-compensate (on my moderate to good days) and try to be the "best mom in the world!" which leaves me (can you follow) resentful of motherhood itself.
Sigh. Times like these I wish I still drank.
****not having a very good day. or week. thought I would share that with you.*****
Is it just me as a bipolar/depressive/whatever that gets like this or is it all moms?
I genuinely hate the people who post such shit on facebook like the little signs that say "hit "like" if your daughter is your best friend!" I'm more of a "my kids make me want to put pins in my eyes" kind of person.
The joke is that people say to me (ALL of the time) "you're so good with kids! You should be a teacher!"
HA HA HA HA HA.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not always like this. Many times I adore them and I realize that they really have made my life better (I would most likely never, ever get out of bed some days if I didn't have them to make me get out of it). Like I said, I'm just so irritable right now and these little people aren't helping.
Am I the only one who gets so, SO mad that she screams and throws things? I just want to be listened to! I get sick of picking up after little people who are certainly old enough to pick up stuff on their own. I get sick of repeating myself. Of constantly being tired. Of not having enough time/money/energy (because of them) to do things like take a yoga class or see a movie with a girlfriend. Of being worried about being a good enough mom but then getting angry when I think I'm being too nice to the point that they walk all over me.
We all recognize that parenting/motherhood is incredibly difficult. Is it more difficult if you're a depressive? Or a pessimist? Or a person with anxiety? Or is that just all of us?
I'll admit it. I'm a person who thinks that if people have certain genetic traits that cause them to be burdens on society, then they shouldn't be having children. But lately I've begun to wonder if I should have had children, knowing about my own mental disorders (hmmm- however, I'm not so bad that I've ever had to be on welfare or anything). SHOULD A DEPRESSIVE HAVE KIDS, knowing that they might be a subpar parent, and also knowing that their kids, then, could turn out the exact same way? I think about this all of the time- especially when I see my 5 year old get that look of anxiety in her eyes, or when my son tells me he's depressed. And I went ahead and had three of them. Oops!
My own mother is a depressive and I have always resented her for it (or do I resent that she never did anything about it?). She made our childhoods very difficult-and, in fact, she often continues to make our lives difficult, and it's because of her ongoing depression. My mom's mother (my grandmother) is a depressive, and my mom has always clearly resented her for it. All of my siblings and cousins hate my grandmother as well. She's miserable, and always has been in my recollection.
And so it goes.
I see all of this and it terrifies me. So I try to help myself as much as possible, and I also (admittedly) over-compensate (on my moderate to good days) and try to be the "best mom in the world!" which leaves me (can you follow) resentful of motherhood itself.
Sigh. Times like these I wish I still drank.
****not having a very good day. or week. thought I would share that with you.*****
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Responsibility & Accountability
Hello, Friends.
Yes, it's me. And I'm still here. I don't post as often or as with as much zeal as before. I feel as though I have hit an incubation phase-and I've been in it for quite a few months now. I feel like I did so much "research" last year, and did so much work on myself, that now I need to sit back, marinate in it, and see what comes from that.
So I'm in a great thinking phase.
In this thinking phase, and then the reactions that come from what I think, I find myself second guessing a lot. I wonder about what is truly pertinent and what is not. I want to move forward with purpose. I feel a huge responsibility to you guys, all of you who read what I write. I never, ever want to give you the impression that I am perfect, and that coming off of medication and therapy, and fighting my mental illness on my own is easy, or even attainable- I'm constantly asking myself IS IT? IT IS REALLY? Or is this just something else I'm deluding myself about?
My thought-tonight- is no. It IS attainable. It is NOT easy. But you must be vigilant, brave, accountable, and kind to yourself. It is incredibly hard. But it is also incredibly worth it.
Looking back on my life, and in particular, all of the times I have "fallen" in the past, I see myself in my bed. Sheets tangled. I am angry. I am sad. I am suicidal. I can't get out. I am stuck.
And every single time, I felt so hopeless that I always wanted someone to save me. At that time, all I wanted was for my husband, or mother, or friend (given the time in my life) to look at me and say "oh! she cannot possibly help herself! I must save her! I will call a therapist, work out her insurance, pay for her yoga class and take care of her children so that she can get better. I love her so much that I will do things that I cannot possibly do and take care of the responsibilities that she has taken upon herself so that she can get better!"
But they never did that. They have never done that. I would get even more depressed. Fall into even more despair. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CARE ENOUGH?
Ah, because people cannot do things they simply cannot do. People cannot know things they do not know. Or understand.
The one time someone finally did *do* something he put me into a mental hospital, where I sat for two weeks (how much my insurance would pay), without him visiting me and our unborn baby. A place where I was checked in, I found out later, as a drug addict (I didn't do drugs) and placed among addicts-not depressives. This by my new husband and father of my unborn child, who, of course, would let me down and try to destroy me (and sometimes did) in many ways after that. But still, he was the one person who actually did "do" something. And that got me nowhere.
So I can't really blame husband #2 for making me get out of bed, making me take care of myself, and supporting me in the ways that help me help myself.
One thing that has really, truly helped me is that I am finally helping myself. And it's taken a really long time to realize I can't expect anyone else to do that for me. No matter how helpless I feel.
I have a dear friend who I am so proud of. In her own way, she has recently decided to help herself-and even more, she's doing it. Her past is similar to yours and mine. I have no doubt that she was placed in my life to teach me a lesson: her house sits across from mine, her children similar ages-and the same age range apart from each other. Her husband works in the same industry. God literally placed me in front of a mirror and told me to sit and watch myself. On this journey, nobody can tell me that God has no interaction in my life. I have witnessed it myself, through this and by other things. We're not exactly the same, of course, but her story mimics mine and yours enough to get the point across. This year she finally decided to take her yoga practice further and become a yoga instructor. But it's not just about becoming an instructor: it's a life choice that she thought about for a long time, and perhaps somehow wanted someone to decide and implement for her, but she did it herself. She has started keeping a blog and I only just started reading it-and I encourage you to as well:http://www.39goingonyogi.com/
I'm just really proud to hear about people who have decided to live their lives on their own terms, to take responsibility for them, and to move forward. To this day I still hide. I still want someone to do stuff for me. I still depend on others for my own happiness. I have days where I stay stagnant and do nothing. I guess that's okay. It's going to have to be okay.
But damnit, I can't say it's always okay. I have to do something. YOU have to do something.
So get off your ass and do something.
Namaste. Peace. Godspeed on your journey.
Yes, it's me. And I'm still here. I don't post as often or as with as much zeal as before. I feel as though I have hit an incubation phase-and I've been in it for quite a few months now. I feel like I did so much "research" last year, and did so much work on myself, that now I need to sit back, marinate in it, and see what comes from that.
So I'm in a great thinking phase.
In this thinking phase, and then the reactions that come from what I think, I find myself second guessing a lot. I wonder about what is truly pertinent and what is not. I want to move forward with purpose. I feel a huge responsibility to you guys, all of you who read what I write. I never, ever want to give you the impression that I am perfect, and that coming off of medication and therapy, and fighting my mental illness on my own is easy, or even attainable- I'm constantly asking myself IS IT? IT IS REALLY? Or is this just something else I'm deluding myself about?
My thought-tonight- is no. It IS attainable. It is NOT easy. But you must be vigilant, brave, accountable, and kind to yourself. It is incredibly hard. But it is also incredibly worth it.
Looking back on my life, and in particular, all of the times I have "fallen" in the past, I see myself in my bed. Sheets tangled. I am angry. I am sad. I am suicidal. I can't get out. I am stuck.
And every single time, I felt so hopeless that I always wanted someone to save me. At that time, all I wanted was for my husband, or mother, or friend (given the time in my life) to look at me and say "oh! she cannot possibly help herself! I must save her! I will call a therapist, work out her insurance, pay for her yoga class and take care of her children so that she can get better. I love her so much that I will do things that I cannot possibly do and take care of the responsibilities that she has taken upon herself so that she can get better!"
But they never did that. They have never done that. I would get even more depressed. Fall into even more despair. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CARE ENOUGH?
Ah, because people cannot do things they simply cannot do. People cannot know things they do not know. Or understand.
The one time someone finally did *do* something he put me into a mental hospital, where I sat for two weeks (how much my insurance would pay), without him visiting me and our unborn baby. A place where I was checked in, I found out later, as a drug addict (I didn't do drugs) and placed among addicts-not depressives. This by my new husband and father of my unborn child, who, of course, would let me down and try to destroy me (and sometimes did) in many ways after that. But still, he was the one person who actually did "do" something. And that got me nowhere.
So I can't really blame husband #2 for making me get out of bed, making me take care of myself, and supporting me in the ways that help me help myself.
One thing that has really, truly helped me is that I am finally helping myself. And it's taken a really long time to realize I can't expect anyone else to do that for me. No matter how helpless I feel.
I have a dear friend who I am so proud of. In her own way, she has recently decided to help herself-and even more, she's doing it. Her past is similar to yours and mine. I have no doubt that she was placed in my life to teach me a lesson: her house sits across from mine, her children similar ages-and the same age range apart from each other. Her husband works in the same industry. God literally placed me in front of a mirror and told me to sit and watch myself. On this journey, nobody can tell me that God has no interaction in my life. I have witnessed it myself, through this and by other things. We're not exactly the same, of course, but her story mimics mine and yours enough to get the point across. This year she finally decided to take her yoga practice further and become a yoga instructor. But it's not just about becoming an instructor: it's a life choice that she thought about for a long time, and perhaps somehow wanted someone to decide and implement for her, but she did it herself. She has started keeping a blog and I only just started reading it-and I encourage you to as well:http://www.39goingonyogi.com/
I'm just really proud to hear about people who have decided to live their lives on their own terms, to take responsibility for them, and to move forward. To this day I still hide. I still want someone to do stuff for me. I still depend on others for my own happiness. I have days where I stay stagnant and do nothing. I guess that's okay. It's going to have to be okay.
But damnit, I can't say it's always okay. I have to do something. YOU have to do something.
So get off your ass and do something.
Namaste. Peace. Godspeed on your journey.
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year...New Expectations
Soooooo....
I haven't written anything in awhile. My excuse is that I have nothing to write. I have been coasting. I am on that great ocean of feelings and thoughts that brings me up up up and down down down. All is well. Life has taken some turns for the better. But still, I coast.
The holidays are almost over, which I would normally celebrate. But this year I really protected myself. I stood up for myself. I did things, more or less, the way I wanted to. I'm sure I disappointed people. But I held it together and it turned out better than before. This girl held her ground, and I am proud.
I could tell you what's gone on in my personal life, how I have gotten full custody of my son, after a long, expensive, drawn out struggle. But it would be an equally long drawn out story, and I have no interest in writing about it. I am relived, but there is still a boy here. A boy who still has a fucked up dad and a bipolar mom. The abuse I got from his dad following the trial is such that nobody should experience, much less a person with a mood disorder, but I'm done with it, and we're moving along.
The key point to that is that we never stop. We say "if I had this and this and this I would be happier" but it doesn't work that way. Happiness is not a thing that we get and then "whoosh" we're done. No. We still wake up and we are the same person as before. Hopefully a little less stressed out. A little less tired. But still, that dark cloud can loom. And we move onto the next thing that we want that we hope will make us happy.
Connecticut has all but killed me. I cry every day for children who were not but could have been my own. After all, I have a 5 year old in kindergarten, an 8 year old in third grade, and a four year old. When those children were killed, I asked just like everyone else, WHY. And even more, I ask about life in general, WHY. Holding my own children tighter won't make it easier for the parents who lost theirs. Or for the kids who survived who now get to live the nightmare that is being alive. Do you need to hear this again?
I am saddened by the gun arguments. It's a losing battle, there. (so please, be respectful and know that there is no need to post about guns in the comments forum here). I am panicked by what could happen in this world. I am angered by the autism debates. As if I didn't feel the world a little too much before, it's deadening to me down.
Every time I see on facebook that a soldier or police officer is standing in front of a school as a symbol of protection for the children, I want to go and sit in meditation beside him (sorry. always a him) as a symbol of peace. My own children know nothing of what happened, and neither, it appears, do any of the other children in their school, or I would go and sit for them. A person sitting in meditation might not be protected, but acting as that symbol, I think, is just as important message to our children, and our world.
I just want some peace. I am looking for peace. Mostly I see chaos. But sometimes, just sometimes, I see an in-betweeen, and I am okay with that too.
Peace, gratefulness, and a breath of relief in the new year.
Hello, 2013
I haven't written anything in awhile. My excuse is that I have nothing to write. I have been coasting. I am on that great ocean of feelings and thoughts that brings me up up up and down down down. All is well. Life has taken some turns for the better. But still, I coast.
The holidays are almost over, which I would normally celebrate. But this year I really protected myself. I stood up for myself. I did things, more or less, the way I wanted to. I'm sure I disappointed people. But I held it together and it turned out better than before. This girl held her ground, and I am proud.
I could tell you what's gone on in my personal life, how I have gotten full custody of my son, after a long, expensive, drawn out struggle. But it would be an equally long drawn out story, and I have no interest in writing about it. I am relived, but there is still a boy here. A boy who still has a fucked up dad and a bipolar mom. The abuse I got from his dad following the trial is such that nobody should experience, much less a person with a mood disorder, but I'm done with it, and we're moving along.
The key point to that is that we never stop. We say "if I had this and this and this I would be happier" but it doesn't work that way. Happiness is not a thing that we get and then "whoosh" we're done. No. We still wake up and we are the same person as before. Hopefully a little less stressed out. A little less tired. But still, that dark cloud can loom. And we move onto the next thing that we want that we hope will make us happy.
Connecticut has all but killed me. I cry every day for children who were not but could have been my own. After all, I have a 5 year old in kindergarten, an 8 year old in third grade, and a four year old. When those children were killed, I asked just like everyone else, WHY. And even more, I ask about life in general, WHY. Holding my own children tighter won't make it easier for the parents who lost theirs. Or for the kids who survived who now get to live the nightmare that is being alive. Do you need to hear this again?
I am saddened by the gun arguments. It's a losing battle, there. (so please, be respectful and know that there is no need to post about guns in the comments forum here). I am panicked by what could happen in this world. I am angered by the autism debates. As if I didn't feel the world a little too much before, it's deadening to me down.
Every time I see on facebook that a soldier or police officer is standing in front of a school as a symbol of protection for the children, I want to go and sit in meditation beside him (sorry. always a him) as a symbol of peace. My own children know nothing of what happened, and neither, it appears, do any of the other children in their school, or I would go and sit for them. A person sitting in meditation might not be protected, but acting as that symbol, I think, is just as important message to our children, and our world.
I just want some peace. I am looking for peace. Mostly I see chaos. But sometimes, just sometimes, I see an in-betweeen, and I am okay with that too.
Peace, gratefulness, and a breath of relief in the new year.
Hello, 2013
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sounds of Triumph- Binaural Beats to Heal
I have written about the Silva Method, which uses "tapping" sound to guide you into the theta brain state during meditation. I have written about chanting, and how it has been found that ancient sounds and texts, when chanted, actually influence serotonin levels, and how, when monks stopped chanting in Latin and started chanting in their vernacular language, they started to become ill and die. I haven't written about it but I'm sure many of you know how just music, in and of itself, can improve your mood. Today I am going to bring it all together for you and talk to you about Binaural Beats and Isochronic Tones.
I love this blog because it has become a community- I share my experiences with you, but many of you share your experiences right back. You give me insights and support and ideas for blog posts. After my last post, a reader asked me if I had heard about Binaural Beats. And I quote: "Have you had any luck with binaural tones? Supposed to stimulate serotonin production. I think I'm getting good results" After reading that, I couldn't help but immediately hop online and see what this is all about.
Here is the obligatory wikipedia definition:
Binaural beats or binaural tones are auditory processing artifacts, or apparent sounds, the perception of which arises in the brain for specific physical stimuli. This effect was discovered in 1839 by Heinrich Wilhelm Dove, and earned greater public awareness in the late 20th century based on claims that binaural beats could help induce relaxation, meditation, creativity and other desirable mental states. The effect on the brainwaves depends on the difference in frequencies of each tone: for example, if 300 Hz was played in one ear and 310 in the other, then the binaural beat would have a frequency of 10 Hz.[1][2]
The brain produces a phenomenon resulting in low-frequency pulsations in the amplitude and sound localization of a perceived sound when two tones at slightly different frequencies are presented separately, one to each of a subject's ears, using stereo headphones. A beating tone will be perceived, as if the two tones mixed naturally, out of the brain. The frequencies of the tones must be below 1,000 hertz for the beating to be noticeable.[3] The difference between the two frequencies must be small (less than or equal to 30 Hz) for the effect to occur; otherwise, the two tones will be heard separately and no beat will be perceived.
Binaural beats are of interest to neurophysiologists investigating the sense of hearing.[4][5][6][7]
Binaural beats reportedly influence the brain in more subtle ways through the entrainment of brainwaves[3][8][9] and have been claimed to reduce anxiety[10] and provide other health benefits such as control over pain.[11]
So, you got that?
Basically, it's two sounds, one played into each ear, that then balance each other out in the mind- this alters your brainwaves, and, in effect, balancing them. This applies to the different terms that are associated with binary beats- such as isochronic tones (from what I understand, is a blend of the waves together so that you can listen to the sounds without headphones. Binary beats require the headphones- so that one frequency is played in one ear and another frequency is played in the other). It is also referred to as Brainwave Entrainment, which is also referred to as Brainwave Synchronization.
Are you confused?
Binaural beats, isochronic tones and all of these other terms have a lot of neuroscience mumbo-jumbo that come with them. Of course! We're working with BRAINWAVES here. There is one particularly fabulous and incredibly helpful (and HUGE) website called Binaural Beats Geek (www.binauralbeatsgeek.com) that I highly recommend going to. This guy has 3+ years of using and researching Binaural beats under his belt, whereas I have only been researching it for two weeks-and not even as much as I probably should. I want to say that I've also been using it for only a couple of weeks as well, but that isn't really true. Since I have been using the Silva Method's guided meditiation (look for their free apps on your smartphone) for over a year now, I've technically been using the binary beats that long as well- I just didn't know it (since it was never referred to that way). I have, however, downloaded some binary beats & isochronic sounds apps and have been using them on a daily basis. Here's my finding:
IT WORKS.
Now, no two apps are alike, and I hate to say it, but it seems like the most expensive one that I have found is also my favorite. And, it turns out, it's one of the BinauralBeatsGeek's favorites as well (he features it on his site, but I came upon it completely by myself. I just happened to notice today that this is the one he really likes as well.) This particular app is titled "Brainwaves-The Unexplainable Store". The app itself is free but you have to purchase the different "beats"- and at $12.99 a pop (more or less) it's very pricey. So far, I have only purchased the one for Depression-and I love it. I can be in the shittiest mood, I sit down, play the session, and I feel so much better. This app is really great also because it has very explicit, clear definitions and information about each session it offers, and it offers ad 60 second sample of each, so you can sample before you buy. There is a TON to choose from, because evidently Brainwave Entrainment can heal anything and everything that is ailing you. This app provides sessions for everything from Get Pregnant, to Self Esteem, to Attention Disorder to Spirit Guide Contact. Next on my list for purchase is Solfeggio Frequencies, which are "very useful in the treatment of ailments, provides relief, and most importantly, goes to the root source (your DNA) of your ailment and corrects or heals it when used properly." Sounds good to me!
Another app that I like is Ambiscience 100 Beats and Tones. I love it because it is free, and because you pick a "track" (music) and the "effect" (entrainment) plus you can work with the volume of each to find the right balance for you. A lot of people say to me that the clicking sounds in the Silva Method really irritate them, so it is great that, in some of these apps, you can adjust that effect volume. This app, like the Brainwaves app, also has a lot of entrainment effects to choose from- Anger management, mood management, sleep, Alzheimer's/Dyslexia, Chronic Fatigue, Ears-and it goes on. And the last thing that's awesome is that you can use it with ipod music- which brings me to one of the things I DON'T like about it, which is the music that is provided. Granted, it's not horrible, it's just very new age-y and techo club, if you can figure out what I mean by that. But it also has "rain sounds" and "waves" and other soothing things so I can use that as a go-to.
A third app that I downloaded a couple of days ago is SleepStream2, which is also free, but then you basically have to purchase the "upgrade" for $1.99 if you want to get anything out of it. I really like the soothing sounds part, and the fact that you can pick a "binaural beat", plus a track, plus an overlay of say, waves or rain. It also has added bonuses of guided meditations and visualizations. Now, I don't feel that I have gotten as good results from this one as I have from the others, but like I said, I only just got it so maybe I haven't given it enough time. I'll keep trying.
All I can tell you is that these have really worked for me. The other day, for example, I had a project to do for a new client. Normally, this would send me into a debilitating kind of anxiety ridden tizzy: finding it hard to breathe or concentrate. Well, I popped on my binaural beats for concentration and BOOM, I got it done. I was not ONCE anxious. Thoughts did not race. Hands did not shake. No nausea. No feeling as though I was on the verge of tears. I was profoundly calm and collected as I finished the project- three hours ahead of deadline. It was awesome.
The next day, I had an interview to go to. Again, as I got my portfolio together, I played the beats for mood enhancement. And again, I was not nervous at all. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that to NOT feel these things was nothing short of amazing for me. I felt so happy and relaxed and together. Incredible.
Honestly, you have no reason whatsoever not to try this, because a. there are many free apps to choose from (and you can find them online too) b. you can listen to them whenever you want- while in the car, doing work, cooking-whenever! I have many days where I feel like I can't even get out of bed. How convenient, then, to just pop on the "beats" for ten minutes or so and I'm good to go!
So
I love this blog because it has become a community- I share my experiences with you, but many of you share your experiences right back. You give me insights and support and ideas for blog posts. After my last post, a reader asked me if I had heard about Binaural Beats. And I quote: "Have you had any luck with binaural tones? Supposed to stimulate serotonin production. I think I'm getting good results" After reading that, I couldn't help but immediately hop online and see what this is all about.
Here is the obligatory wikipedia definition:
Binaural beats or binaural tones are auditory processing artifacts, or apparent sounds, the perception of which arises in the brain for specific physical stimuli. This effect was discovered in 1839 by Heinrich Wilhelm Dove, and earned greater public awareness in the late 20th century based on claims that binaural beats could help induce relaxation, meditation, creativity and other desirable mental states. The effect on the brainwaves depends on the difference in frequencies of each tone: for example, if 300 Hz was played in one ear and 310 in the other, then the binaural beat would have a frequency of 10 Hz.[1][2]
The brain produces a phenomenon resulting in low-frequency pulsations in the amplitude and sound localization of a perceived sound when two tones at slightly different frequencies are presented separately, one to each of a subject's ears, using stereo headphones. A beating tone will be perceived, as if the two tones mixed naturally, out of the brain. The frequencies of the tones must be below 1,000 hertz for the beating to be noticeable.[3] The difference between the two frequencies must be small (less than or equal to 30 Hz) for the effect to occur; otherwise, the two tones will be heard separately and no beat will be perceived.
Binaural beats are of interest to neurophysiologists investigating the sense of hearing.[4][5][6][7]
Binaural beats reportedly influence the brain in more subtle ways through the entrainment of brainwaves[3][8][9] and have been claimed to reduce anxiety[10] and provide other health benefits such as control over pain.[11]
So, you got that?
Basically, it's two sounds, one played into each ear, that then balance each other out in the mind- this alters your brainwaves, and, in effect, balancing them. This applies to the different terms that are associated with binary beats- such as isochronic tones (from what I understand, is a blend of the waves together so that you can listen to the sounds without headphones. Binary beats require the headphones- so that one frequency is played in one ear and another frequency is played in the other). It is also referred to as Brainwave Entrainment, which is also referred to as Brainwave Synchronization.
Are you confused?
Binaural beats, isochronic tones and all of these other terms have a lot of neuroscience mumbo-jumbo that come with them. Of course! We're working with BRAINWAVES here. There is one particularly fabulous and incredibly helpful (and HUGE) website called Binaural Beats Geek (www.binauralbeatsgeek.com) that I highly recommend going to. This guy has 3+ years of using and researching Binaural beats under his belt, whereas I have only been researching it for two weeks-and not even as much as I probably should. I want to say that I've also been using it for only a couple of weeks as well, but that isn't really true. Since I have been using the Silva Method's guided meditiation (look for their free apps on your smartphone) for over a year now, I've technically been using the binary beats that long as well- I just didn't know it (since it was never referred to that way). I have, however, downloaded some binary beats & isochronic sounds apps and have been using them on a daily basis. Here's my finding:
IT WORKS.
Now, no two apps are alike, and I hate to say it, but it seems like the most expensive one that I have found is also my favorite. And, it turns out, it's one of the BinauralBeatsGeek's favorites as well (he features it on his site, but I came upon it completely by myself. I just happened to notice today that this is the one he really likes as well.) This particular app is titled "Brainwaves-The Unexplainable Store". The app itself is free but you have to purchase the different "beats"- and at $12.99 a pop (more or less) it's very pricey. So far, I have only purchased the one for Depression-and I love it. I can be in the shittiest mood, I sit down, play the session, and I feel so much better. This app is really great also because it has very explicit, clear definitions and information about each session it offers, and it offers ad 60 second sample of each, so you can sample before you buy. There is a TON to choose from, because evidently Brainwave Entrainment can heal anything and everything that is ailing you. This app provides sessions for everything from Get Pregnant, to Self Esteem, to Attention Disorder to Spirit Guide Contact. Next on my list for purchase is Solfeggio Frequencies, which are "very useful in the treatment of ailments, provides relief, and most importantly, goes to the root source (your DNA) of your ailment and corrects or heals it when used properly." Sounds good to me!
Another app that I like is Ambiscience 100 Beats and Tones. I love it because it is free, and because you pick a "track" (music) and the "effect" (entrainment) plus you can work with the volume of each to find the right balance for you. A lot of people say to me that the clicking sounds in the Silva Method really irritate them, so it is great that, in some of these apps, you can adjust that effect volume. This app, like the Brainwaves app, also has a lot of entrainment effects to choose from- Anger management, mood management, sleep, Alzheimer's/Dyslexia, Chronic Fatigue, Ears-and it goes on. And the last thing that's awesome is that you can use it with ipod music- which brings me to one of the things I DON'T like about it, which is the music that is provided. Granted, it's not horrible, it's just very new age-y and techo club, if you can figure out what I mean by that. But it also has "rain sounds" and "waves" and other soothing things so I can use that as a go-to.
A third app that I downloaded a couple of days ago is SleepStream2, which is also free, but then you basically have to purchase the "upgrade" for $1.99 if you want to get anything out of it. I really like the soothing sounds part, and the fact that you can pick a "binaural beat", plus a track, plus an overlay of say, waves or rain. It also has added bonuses of guided meditations and visualizations. Now, I don't feel that I have gotten as good results from this one as I have from the others, but like I said, I only just got it so maybe I haven't given it enough time. I'll keep trying.
All I can tell you is that these have really worked for me. The other day, for example, I had a project to do for a new client. Normally, this would send me into a debilitating kind of anxiety ridden tizzy: finding it hard to breathe or concentrate. Well, I popped on my binaural beats for concentration and BOOM, I got it done. I was not ONCE anxious. Thoughts did not race. Hands did not shake. No nausea. No feeling as though I was on the verge of tears. I was profoundly calm and collected as I finished the project- three hours ahead of deadline. It was awesome.
The next day, I had an interview to go to. Again, as I got my portfolio together, I played the beats for mood enhancement. And again, I was not nervous at all. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that to NOT feel these things was nothing short of amazing for me. I felt so happy and relaxed and together. Incredible.
Honestly, you have no reason whatsoever not to try this, because a. there are many free apps to choose from (and you can find them online too) b. you can listen to them whenever you want- while in the car, doing work, cooking-whenever! I have many days where I feel like I can't even get out of bed. How convenient, then, to just pop on the "beats" for ten minutes or so and I'm good to go!
So
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